Beautiful one,
A client recently asked me "How do I communicate with my partner when they're stuck in blame and shame?" and whew... what a question!!!
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a blame spiral (“This is your fault!”) or a shame meltdown (“I always mess up, I’m the worst”)—you know how quickly things can escalate.
Our instinct? Either fight back, shut down, or rush in to fix it.
But here’s the thing: blame and shame are just different masks for the same thing—pain. One lashes out, the other caves in, but underneath? It’s the same raw ache.
So what do you do? How do you meet someone in that space without losing yourself in it?
✨Step one: Ground yourself first. Before you even respond, check in—are you calm? Clear? If not, take a beat. You don’t have to be a sponge for someone else’s storm.
✨Step two: Reflect, don’t react. Instead of arguing or defending, mirror back what’s really happening beneath the words.
“It sounds like you’re really frustrated right now.”
“I can see this is feeling really big for you.”
This shifts the energy. Instead of pushing against, you’re opening up.
✨Step three: Hold, don’t fix. If they’re deep in self-criticism, they don’t need you to convince them they’re amazing. They need to feel seen.
“I hear that you’re being really hard on yourself right now. I don’t see you the way you’re seeing yourself.”
✨Step four: Boundaries with love. If blame turns into attack, you can stop the cycle without shutting down the connection.
“I want to talk, but I can’t when I feel blamed. Let’s come back when we can listen to each other.”
Here’s the mind-blowing part: When you stop fighting the surface reaction and start responding to the deeper feeling, everything shifts.
Because when people feel truly seen, they don’t need to yell to be heard.
And when you meet blame and shame with clarity and kindness? You become an anchor—not the storm.
Try it. Then come tell me what happened.
Huge love,
P.S: If blame and shame show up in your own relationship and you need some extra help breaking free of it, check out my Attuned Relationship Coaching package. 3 months of personalised coaching tailored to your unique relationship goals. Together we'll improve communication, leading the way from blame and shame to clarity and kindness.
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